So I am strating again and I am so excited. Exited to do the program right...to use all 7 tools and really get into the steps. The last month has been absolutely crazy for me with all the traveling etc but now we are all getting into the school routine and I had a great day today. Ruth is going to send me new questions. I was so exact with my measuring today and it felt so good to know I had been totall honest and careful. Its so nice to know I just dont eat unless it is on my food plan exactly when its on my food plan. I have to go shopping tomorrow as I have no food in the house so I will emial my food pln to ruth after I get it figured out according to what proteins are affordable at the store!

17. Re-read Step Three. Discuss and reflect from the follow quote, “Faith alone can avail us nothing.”

Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him" .



Its so interesting this turning our life over and yet I can't only have faith to be able to overcome this addiction. I have felt heavenly fathers power in my life over the last 2 and half weeks and i think it is because I have sought it more. It is always ther we just have to reach out and taake it. Even thought I haven't been perfect I feel like this is a process of recovery , that my effort is helping me understand my relationship with food and the underlying issues and subsequent symptoms of my compulsion. I have to say the last few days I have felt more obsessed with it because I have been hungry but today I felt so much better and more hopeful because I ater yogurt with my dinner as part of my protein. I need to go get some corn germ as I think that will help too. I can barely run wround after my kids without more carbohydrates. I am so grateful for this process, my sponsor and Heavenly Father who are helping me get through every day. It blows my mind that I haven't eaten any sugar or flour or grain at all for that matter besides the outbran for the past 18 days. It really is unbelievable to me that I haven't talked myself into going into the kitchen aand saying screw all this and stuffing my face with ice cream. I feel like I have made such a huge step in that regard and I have let go of that deomn on my shoulder...She's not there right now and as long as I stay close to heavenly father, plan and work the steps I'll be able to let her go forever.

16. Read Step Three (Chapter 3 in the AA 12& 12). Create another balance sheet. On one side list all the reasons you can for believing in God. On the other side list all reasons for disbelieving.


Goodness....I'm not sure there will be anything in that column. Everything that I have experience in my life points to the existence of God.

My children are the biggest evidence of God. I have felt closer to God since having them.

My husband tonight said, boy I sure can't wait til you get your energy back. I'm not hungry I just have no energy past 2 Pm I'll eat a full dinner per the program and I feel stuffed but I I still feel sluggish. I hope it gets better.

5. Re-read Step Two. Discuss and reflect upon your childhood exposure to any religious concept. On a two-column balance sheet list on one side your negative feelings and on the other side your positive feelings as they relate to early religious experiences. What conclusion do you reach when you reflect on the balance sheet?

I know I am supposed to answer this question but tonight I feel I need to write down and process my feelings today. I had a major setback in my attitude. I am on my period and felt really weak and I had some extra protein for lunch and I asked my feind Katy if that was ok and she said she thought it was a slip. I have to be honest. I got mad. I felt like...what the heck I am doing the best I can, I am taking care of 4 little kids...running them here and there...disciplining them, keeping up a house of 6 people, doing laundry...and I felt really defiant toward the program. I wanted to quit. I really felt like why am I doing this? Do I really have a prblem so bad that I can eat practically no carbs after breakfast? One of the things that has become realy hard is the lack of carbs to provide enough energy to do what I need to . My sister is coming this weekend with her 8 kids to stay over night and I just think how am I going to get ready to go to Utah a, get my house clean etc when I fell like I barely have enough energy to do the regular stuff? I know I need to do a lot of praying to get through this negative time. tonight I am going to take some time for myself and really pray...it is so hard to get time to myself even right now my husband is calling me to family home evening!!!! AAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

14. Discuss and reflect upon the following concepts available in Step Two:

a) Belief means reliance, not defiance.

b) Defiance is an outstanding characteristic of every compulsive eater. Refer to page 31 in the AA 12& 12.

c) The hoop you have to jump through is a lot wider than you think.

Interesting that this question is for today. I sitll do feel defiance toward having calories restrictted and having so much stucture in an eating plan. Actually it's just been today that I have felt that. I made some banana apple muffins for my kids and they wanted me to try them so much...they loved them and wanted me to have one too. I sat down and talked and laughed wtih them while they ate them and some feelings of annoyance and defiance welled up in me. I thought a lot about the therapy I am doing and the prayer I am going through. I wonder if I will ever be well enough to be acle to eat like a normal person and not have my weight, my body issues and food consume my life. Today and relief society i was looking around and ther were quite a few very overweight women...are all these women compulsive eaters. Are all of them overeaters and if so have they just accepted it as part of who they are or do they live in constant turmoil toward their bodies and food etc? I have a few freinds here...new friends who are probably have 20-30 lbs on me and we arent close enough to talk about it yet but I wonder if they obsess about food all the time or if they are just content to be how they are?

1. Read Chapter 4 in the AA Big Book. Discuss and reflect upon the concepts of Honest, Open-mindedness and Willingness. How are these tools of growth in the CEA-HOW program?

12. Discuss and reflect upon the concept of insanity as it applies to us in CEA-HOW.



Oh boy I have 2 questions to answer! IT is so hard to be a mother and find the time to work this program but it is helping me so much. Honesty is playing a huge role in my program....First I had to be honest with myself and my inability to gain control myself of my life and my disease. It was very hard for me to asmit to anyone especially myself that I needed outside help. The willingness for me come into play as I have become willing to let my sposor be a part of my life, to share my struggle...also my willingness to let the obsession with food go...It has been a great crutch and excuse in my life for so long.


Insanity....it is the very word to describe the battles I have had with myself over food. I feel like I could be committed...at times it almost felt like there was more than one person inside me...there were time I could talk myself into eating such crazy amounts of food. Katy said to me a couple days ago...people come for the vanity and stay for the sanity. I have actually come for both if I am being completely honest. It is true I want to be thin...I want to be happy and most of all I want to be sane when it comes to food.

9. Read Step Two (Chapter 2 in the AA 12& 12). How is taking Step One a necessity before taking Step Two?

10.Discuss and reflect upon the effectiveness of CEA-HOW from your personal experience and from what you have observed in others. Could what you have experienced emanate solely from you? If so, why had it not happened before?


So I am gogin to do these assignments and questions all at once as I am behind because of being sick and homw alone without my husband..when it rains it pours!

I think that we can only really have faith or believe step two is true when we have accepted step one because in order to accept God in our lives there has to be a cetain admission of necessity of need for him in our lives to find what we are looking for. In this case, freedom from the bondage taht food has over us and ultimately happiness.

From those people I have spoken to and the few phone meetings I have been able to listen to this program has literally saved peoples lives physically mentally and spiritually. I believe it al revoloves around support and service. ...kids are up must finish later....

Question 8

I just got off thephone with Phyllis from Ohio. IT was so interesting...she had a "slip" but actually had made it all the way to becoming a relapse recovery prevention sponsor but she slipped herself so now she said to me she was 12 days abstinent! So impressive that she would be so honest with someone she doesn't know when she could have just said oh I've been abstinent for 3 years etc. Amazing. This rpgram is so humbling. It makes you realize you don't have to lie and decieve anymore because no one will judge you..just love here....that is what I have felt so far. So awesome. ....

Question 8
It is so intersting that the very first step first line of this program is that admission of powerlessness. Beyond food this goes into every aspect of our lives...in order to live a godlike like an all respects we have to come to that...complete and total submission to God's grace and power and admit our nothingness....and only then will the greatest power be exercised in our lives. ....so inspiring! I love that word powerless now...it has taken on a whole new meaning, a positive meaning...I used to think it was abhorent to admit you are powerless....but it is the opposite....through letting go of our own notion that we can control we open the door to Heavenly FAthers blessings in our lives.

Day 7

I found this chapter very interesting. For the weeks before I joined the program, I struggled with self deception so much deciving myself that I could get control on my own...deceiving myself into thinking that I didn't really have a food compulsion/ food obsession. Because I don't spend a whole lot of time with other adults becuase I am a SAHM I dind't need to hide my food from people in the day ...that is the last 7 years but before that...I am just remembering how literally I was a closet eater...Hiding from my roomates...taking their food! THen having to go to the store to replace it. So much shame can be involved in this disease becasue just like any other addiction it is such a catalyst for dishonesty.

Chapter 3....

This chapter was interesting. I related so much to it because for years I have told myself there has to be some way to get control of my eating. THere has to be away to get out from under my obsession with weight loss and exercise and food. I tried so many things....so many start overs....whenever I move I always find old charts that I have made with weight tacking grids...the first couple squares will be filled in and then it will be blank. Instead of journals of my experiences from my late teen and twenties I have half written in notebooks with food plans and calorie counters for a few days in each book. Such a waste of time of energy...so sad.....so sad....but I feel so hopefl that this can all change. I can not dwell on the negative but see the changes in my mind, my life, my body and let the past go! Let it be the past and love who I am now. Love the person I am and accept that those experiences made me who I am. I am more compassionate toward people who struggle with imperfections, addictions etc...I see super fat women with kids at the grocery store and all I Want to do is take their hand and show them the path I am on....hmmm....not sure how to go about that issue....we'll see how that unfolds over time.

THis chapter was so interesting. It brought up a lot of thoughts about my own relationship with Heavenly Father and my need to use food compulsively....a lacking in the first almost always coincided with an increase in the second.

I have alsways been an extremist....My house is wither spotless or a disaster...I am am always on a major upswing in weight or losing weight fast due to binge exercise or binge eating etc.....I could go on an on...thanks goodness I am LDS or I would for sure be a drug addict. Discipline is either very present in my life or non-existent. Moderation in all things is probably one of the hardest commandments for me to master. I have never been able to do it . I have tremendous weakness in this aspect of my life. I am either the best mother or the worst....I am wither exercising 2-3 hours a day or not at all and stuffing my face.....UUUUGGGHHHHHH......It has felt so ggod to just be moderate these last couple days. Just to wal a ways and not think about how many calories I've burned how many Iv'e eaten....I believe now from this program that calories ahve become part of my obsession...how many burned how many eaten etc. I'm so glad we do not count calories on this program! Its about balance overall....BAlance....Balance Balance.....my new mantra!

4. Discuss and reflect upon the fatal nature of our disease as seen on page 24 paragraph 2 in the AA 12 & 12. In this discussion, reflect on how at the very least the disease has diminished your life.

I know now after these last few days how much food has really come between me and my heart, my mind and most importantly the people in my life. I have spent so much intense energy focusing on losing weight...obsessively gaining weight that I believe since I was a senior in high school...if I hadn't had this issue my life could have been totally different. I didn't have the courage to audition for plays at BYU because I felt so terrible about how I looked. I knew I could never get a part that would of course be given to someone skinner smaller and prettier than me. There were times I failed classes in college because of my food issues. I barely finished 13 years after I started....all because of the terrible disease tht robbed me of so many vital years. I have so much regret regarding it...I am trying to face that regret...but I can't let myself feel it fully yet it is too painful for me. If I even start writing about what this disease did to may dating life I would be here all night....I am just grateful to god that he helped me get it together long enough for about 8 months before I met my husband, heloed me lose 25 pounds so I was confident enough to date and fall in love with JAmes.....that was truly a tender mercy because I obviously was not healed yet...the tumor would come back it is back but this time I am getting the chemo I need...the theragpy I need that will help me rid myself of this disease for good. I think it has been with me for so long that it will be a day by day process for perhaps many years perhaps my whole life...but as long as I find peace with god and my life isn't about food anymore...that is what I hope for and I know that Heavenly Father can help me acheive. Already though I can feel the strength of the Lord helping me. Each ight when I go bed not feeling I like I am going to throw up from bowls and bowls of Honey bits or Ice cream. I feel at such peace when going to sleep there's really nothing better. I can feel the spirit so much more in my life because I am not so numb from the pain of compulsive eating. Each moment the fear I lived in diminishes. That is how I was living...the joy of life diminished by what is supposed to sustain life. So sad.

Re-read Step One. Discuss and reflect upon the following ideas found in Step One:

a) Critical nature of our disease

b) Progressive nature of our disease

c) The need not to push someone until they are ready.


For me it's interesting because for the last few year I have had good times and bad times in terms of compulsive eating....but looking back it has progressively gotten a little lit worse in extremity as I have tried throwing up (after binging) although I can't do it, physically my body won't do it...so I have tired laxatives knowing full well that it doesn't do much but needing to feel empty then stuffing myself to fill up again...to numb past pain. Interestingly when I talked to KTay about these issues and what she has done to get help....she never suggested I try it, never pushed me to look into ..I had to do it myself and when I was ready she helped me find a sponsor. Exactly what I needed. I had to me asking...wanting...getting metally prepared to give up my foght with myself give up my quest for control and admit that I have no control. ONly god can help me heal...I know that...only Heavenly Father can give me the stregnth to get ym life, get my psyche back from the foodand the pain that has been controlling it for years. I am 35...I turend 35 a few days ago and I can honestly say I really thought there was no way I would still have these issues when I was married to such a good man, had four darling children, and for crying out loud was at a healthy BMI and yet the struggle still continues....but I have hope that God will heal me and I can move on from my obsession and live a normal healthy life.

Today I felt so good....it's intersting to me how having a sponsor who I didn't know four days ago is making such a difference. Tonight when I read her words of encouragement and empathy, I felt so warm and loved by someone who has been through what I am going through now...I feel like I am going through a cleanse...of the body and the mind...I hope I can do the same from someone else when the time comes....

Holy smokes...reading that whole step one in the 12 steps was like staring into a mirror. When I first heard about this program a few weeks ago I battled because I wanted to believe so badly that I had enough self control to conquer my compulsive eating on my own. It describes what food has become for me...a relentless tyrant and I have finally come to accept that I can not longer fight food. I give up. My whole life...every minute of every waking day my mind has been obsessed with food...I mean at times I would be eating something and instead of being present while eating it I would think of the next thing I could stuff in my face. I would eat until I was sick...eat to numb the pain of overeating...of feeling worthless...of being totally out of control and unmanageable. Over the last 48 hours, food has not been mocking me....I don;t know why yet...I have a long way to go....but I am so grateful I am on this journey.

Hi am Carrie and I am a compulsive EAter!!!!

Today is my first day as a member of CEA and I have so much hope. I have finally come to term with the fact that I powerless against food. I don't need to fight it anymore. I don't have to "be in control anymore" I am giving the whole thing over to HEavenly FAther.

FIrst Question

1. Write a history of your compulsive eating beginning with the first time you can remember food related events. Discuss how much weight you have gained and lost, what medical attention you have sought for the problem and your attempts at maintaining your weight losses.

I think my compulsion started about the time I recollected and acknowledged the sexual abuse that happened to my as a very young girl. I was abused by a local older neighbor boy. He was only about 5 year older than me but I worshipped him nad did what he told me to. I was about 15 and a half when I seriously acknowledged what happened to me. At this same time boys became an issue in my life just as they do for most teenage girls. OF course I wanted to be liked by boys and I was a very thin teenager...incidentally with about a C cup. It got me attention but subconciously because of what I experiences as child....I did not want it. Conciously I craved it. I liked this one boy...and he liked me back for a while and then he decided he wanted to "go steady with a friend of mine. This sent me into basically a psycho tailspin of eating and exercising and eating....it becamse so bad that I left home and went to live with my oldest sister in Boston. Big mistake.....she had problems of her own...we did not get along and my senior year of high school became a series of yo- yo- gains and losses mostly gains until I wighed about 190 lbs. I believe at this point since I had done nothing to work through the issues from my childhood and now my obsession with food the cylcle became more dramatic and painful. I would compusively eat until I was so sick I couldn't feel anything except for the pain in my stomach. This pain masked my emotional pain. There have been times where I was able to get a handle on my obsession and since being married and having children I am in the best spot I have ever been but I still wake up every morning fearing food....fearing getting hugely fat....hating food.....hating myself for obsessing over it so much uuuggghhhh.........but I want to be more than this...I do not want it to rule my life anymore. I want to make peace with it....I want to eat a meal with my children and husband and not have to eat everything in sight after....but learn to stop when I am full and see food as nourishment not a pain killer.

Its almost 4:30 and I am soing great. I worked out for 2 hours and 20 min....and I have eaten every ,eal ontime and in exact proportions. I can do anything with Gods helP! I have felt really happy today and no major blowups with my kids!

A new DAY JULY 8th

SO I am revisiting this blog if only for myself. I am on a 3 week quest to finally get to the body I want---I am close! but more importantly have somewhere to write my feelings when I am on the verge of eating outside of my committed plan.


This is my committed plan:

ABSTINENT from SUGAR and WHITE FLOUR!

7 small meals a day 200 calories consisting of 1 SERVING PROTEIN And 1 SERVING CARBS.

Meals eaten at the following times

8:00 am

10:00 am

12:00 pm

1:30 pm

3:00 pm

4:30 pm

6:00 pm

I also will not put anything into my mouth after 6 pm. I recognize I am powerless over food. I know HEavenly FAther will help me get control as this problem is directly linked to my happiness as a person, my willingness to be a good mother and ability to be a good mother. I am so much happier when I am eating right and taking care of my body.

There are no requirements to exercise. I can do it if I feel like it...but I don't have to if I don't want to . This is about making peace with food.

I will not weigh myself. I fell that getting on the scale has an impact upon what happens in the day and I want what happens to be between me and Heavenly father...and not include the scale.

The only form of measurement I have is 2 strings that measure my waist around my belly button and hips. there are no numbers.

I am so excited to be free from the scale and to get to the point where I have freedom from food and I can just eat 3 meals a day with my family. I know I can get there.

I have no idea what I weigh or what my measurements are but it will be exciting to report it the string overlaps!